Falling short or past my expectations?

The first day of school was not what I was expecting. For the first time since 8th grade, I found myself thanking God for the drill sergeant English teacher I had from 1st grade until 7th grade. We were more or less quizzed on the more advanced forms of grammar, the teacher insisting it was just a first-day activity but I wasn’t convinced. In an overcrowded class, the weak fish are more likely to be bumped down into a regular level class and she was testing the waters for blood. And let me just say, I passed with flying colors. Excuse me while I bask in my tiny achievement and boosted ego…. This is a perfect start to the year, since I struggled in all my classes last year. I hope this fortune continues… It also seems as if I never left. This school has become so familiar to me; it is strange to think that I will be gone soon enough. I am conflicted. I still long for those days by the lake-words cannot describe what those days meant to me-but the familiarity of being back to school is comforting. I guess it is similar to my short adventure by the lake in the most opposite way: both were a different kind of freedom. The lake was a haven to rest and be free of my worries where my spirit was free to feel adrenaline and adventure and abandon. School is also a haven, where I have a setting to prove myself and control my future among a sense of independence and maturity. It is refreshing to feel so much better about school, and still long for the lake. Funny how the grass isn’t just greener on the other side; it is pretty nice on both sides when the stars are right. (Speaking of conflicting feelings….) As for B, I was surprised to find myself believing my words. Meaning: what I said I would say to my friends about B and me, but really mean, well I found myself meaning those words. As I gave M (friend, girl) and E (another friend, girl) my spiel, I found myself believing my words. I am not sure how I feel about it. Happy that my feelings concerning him are straightened out, or disappointed that there is no longer a possibility of us. I know that we had our chance almost two years ago, but he has been on my mind almost constantly for two years, and I had wondered and worried and pondered and even researched what my feelings were for him and his for me and what it made us to each other. This leads me to another question, does all this trouble mean I have genuine feelings for him-or am I an obsessed teenage girl? I don’t feel obsessed, if anything I typically try to push him from my mind. I stand by what I wrote earlier, but the questions about our history are still there and wanting for answers.