"WTF with all the Breast Cancer?!"

Okay so they didn't actually swear about it, but a friend of mine has juvenile arthritis. May is the official arthritis month. Didn't know that?
Hm.

Well I bet you knew that October is Cancer month, although it might as well be breast cancer month. Football teams wear pink on their uniforms, skyscrapers are covered by banners and projectors of the unmistakable pink ribbon, and a new breast cancer walk is announced every day in another city.

Now don't get me wrong, any type of cancer is awful and a cure is desperately needed. But this friend of mine, well he is pissed.
Sure, people know about arthritis, but not many know about juvenile arthritis, generally categorized as RJA, a painful inflammation of the joints within children under the age of 18.

Anyway, he says, "Everybody knows about breast cancer! Who can possibly look at anything pink and not think of breast cancer?"
He continues,
But who knows about RJA? Who knows that it can happen to anyone? That it is for life? That it has torn families apart and left people broken, metaphorically and literally?
NOBODY!
I don't think one problem is more important than the other, it is just that both deserve as much attention. And cancer can go into remission. With arthritis, typically after the arthritis becomes dormant, if the doctors can manage it, then usually the child and family have to deal with the side effects of the disease and treatment? Side effects include liver failure, eroded bones and cartilage, kidney failure, stomach ulcers, and/or other diseases such as crohn's to name a few.

Who? WHO? Nobody knows.
Nobody knows-The football players can't even get freaking breast cancer!
WE need the spotlight now and nobody cares to share it. People make bank on breast cancer too! Tee shirts, wrist bands, paper pads, ribbons, cups, hats, jewelry, pens, stocking stuffers, candy, shoe laces, shorts, scarves, beanie babies, and a few more...


I am sure I missed a few other things he said.

But it put me in a pickle. Neither (breast cancer or RJA) deserves more or less attention, each is just as important...but is it bad to want to compete with breast cancer? It seems more like a franchise now, and the treatment is...well better. Not to mention they have an endless supply of research funding. I heard the Arthritis Foundation is actually down on donations this year.

Again, not picking one over the other or anything, just fruit for thought.

Yeah, but...I've already seen that. Or have I?

"woman now 21 years old has a 1 in 4 chance of experiencing a violent crime in her lifetime" -Cosmo

I am not 21.

Yet I have already witnessed a couple violent crimes. One happened right across the street from where I live. The tiny factoid above makes me wonder if I have gotten my fair share, or if I am destined to experience more terrible things in my lifetime.
It also makes me contemplate whether I believe in pre-determined fate or chance or luck or karma. I do believe in chance, both the good and bad things have proven that chance is imminent and lurking in the corners of every day. I also believe in luck, but not in the way that someone is simply lucky or unlucky; I think luck and chance go hand in hand.
A good happenstance is lucky, but an unfortunate event is unlucky.

I do not think I believe in karma....The idea that certain actions can determine the course of your future, twisting and turning and changing it at any moment without you knowing sounds too out of control. In fact, the idea of karma sounds like you have no control over your life at all. I suppose you could argue that you can control your choices and actions and therefore your future, but it is not a exact science.
Helping an old lady across the street does not guarantee you will receive a raise from the boss that hates your guts.

So I suppose I so not believe in pre-determined fate?

However there is also the wonder about a higher power.
Come to think of it, there is. But that doesn't mean he is prying into our lives, pulling the strings and deciding our fates.
Nuh-uh.
I bet you my left foot the Big Guy is sitting on a lounge of clouds, a beer in one hand and a bowl of popcorn in the other, with planet Earth playing right in front of him. The Catholic bible says we were given free will right? I think he is just watching us, letting us do our thing. He wouldn't have to worry about swaying us to do good to end up there with him-there are too many good people out there to worry about that.

So I can conclude that I believe in a god, but not a higher power per se.

Where is the rain?

When does it rain,
When does it rain?

I cannot feel the drops
I do not feel the wind.

Chills do not touch my skin
Drops do no stain my skin.

When does it rain,
When does it rain?

Feel the air drop?
I don't.

Feel the clouds press?
I don't.

When does it rain,
When does it rain?

Do your lungs shudder
Do your hairs stand on end?

I have none
I feel none
I am none.


Do you see me?
I see you.

Do you feel me?
I feel you.

Do you miss me?
I miss you.

Do you wait for me?
I wait for you.


Where is the rain?
Where is the rain?

I am among the rain.
I am among the rain.

Where is the rain?
Where is the rain?

Okay so I have been lying to my friends and family and myself.

About B. Because no matter how I dress it up or put it down or try my hardest to forget it completely, this situation is not going away. So I decided, I would rather see him everyday and torture myself a tiny bity everyday, than not see him at all and feel completely dejected and rejected and any other "-jected" that means feeling like shit. After all, the tiny bits of torture are not bad, not bad at all, since it is balanced out by the chance and privilege to see him and experience the way I feel when I do.

Those who smile the most....

on the outside, are most likely the ones frowning the most on the inside. I do not think I am the first one to have said this. But I wanted to post about it nonetheless. So many people wear their hearts on their sleeves, but you don't really wonder about them-because you have nothing to wonder about! I'm talking primarily about teenagers here. And there is no inbetween! It's either you are a walking-raging emotional wreck, or a quiet and/or smiley person that doesn't tell anyone anything. I read this article, speculating that much of today's "youth" (not sure what range of ages, whether adolecent or teenage or toddler or whatever) have spent the majority of their lives on antidepressants, and therefore have become "emotionally illiterate." Hmmmmm, perhaps in some cases that may be true. After all, visit any run-of-the-mill high school and you will feel it: the emotional flares and blips and explosions are palpable. Even with the i-am-smiling-and-therefore-am-a-perfectly-happy-child children, you an feel tension and raw feelings. But I do not think kids are tuned to that, so they do not notice or ask. Actually I don't think adults are tuned to this either, or else these kids would have someone to talk to. I guess babies are the only ones; they can sense it and that's why they are upset so easily. Wow. If this were at all plausible or true, the world would be an even bigger mess than it already is. But then, I think this is a common case. And if there is not 10 teen suicides in each school every year, I like to think that there are warriors that walk among us. People that weathered their personal storms and emerged stronger than before. I know this sounds awful, but this sounds like survival of the fittest to me. Many people seem to go through their teen years crying on the inside, some letting it ruin them, some even commiting suicide, and some that use it to make themselves better. See what I am getting at? It seems to me that humans are at the top, and the bottom of the food chain. Because we may be the top predator in the world, but now our greatest threat may be ourselves. . . . Darn I am not the first to come up with that either.

Empty

Sometimes I hate my brother. I know that the way he acts is not really him-it is his medication which causes him to have extreme mood swings. He is typically a very sweet kid. But it is just so hard to look past that. He may say something, and I try to ignore him, but he just. won't . leave. me. alone! He keeps provoking me, pushing just to see how easy it is to break me. How the hell can someone so nice be so awful?! I don't fucking care if it is his medication-it seems more like he is using that as an excuse!!! Just because he won't be reprimanded right away or because our parents aren't around or because he just fucking can! He won’t leave me alone! And I am so torn.... I really have no strength to resist him anymore. I simply walk away when I realize that there is no use trying. But it is a dejected walk; a walk of surrender. I feel like a coward and a failure; I feel like a dog with its head down, like I have been reemed and whipped and scolded. I have no fight left and it is the worst feeling in the world. I do not quit, I know when I am beaten. I am not a coward, I know when I am out of my depth. But I don’t know my depth and I didn’t realize I was losing until I lost. There is nothing that justifies the way I feel. What justifies doing this to me? What justifies doing this to my brother? To my family? To ANYONE?! This is fucked up and….See? No fight left. I cannot sustain my anger anymore. I feel so broken.

Falling short or past my expectations?

The first day of school was not what I was expecting. For the first time since 8th grade, I found myself thanking God for the drill sergeant English teacher I had from 1st grade until 7th grade. We were more or less quizzed on the more advanced forms of grammar, the teacher insisting it was just a first-day activity but I wasn’t convinced. In an overcrowded class, the weak fish are more likely to be bumped down into a regular level class and she was testing the waters for blood. And let me just say, I passed with flying colors. Excuse me while I bask in my tiny achievement and boosted ego…. This is a perfect start to the year, since I struggled in all my classes last year. I hope this fortune continues… It also seems as if I never left. This school has become so familiar to me; it is strange to think that I will be gone soon enough. I am conflicted. I still long for those days by the lake-words cannot describe what those days meant to me-but the familiarity of being back to school is comforting. I guess it is similar to my short adventure by the lake in the most opposite way: both were a different kind of freedom. The lake was a haven to rest and be free of my worries where my spirit was free to feel adrenaline and adventure and abandon. School is also a haven, where I have a setting to prove myself and control my future among a sense of independence and maturity. It is refreshing to feel so much better about school, and still long for the lake. Funny how the grass isn’t just greener on the other side; it is pretty nice on both sides when the stars are right. (Speaking of conflicting feelings….) As for B, I was surprised to find myself believing my words. Meaning: what I said I would say to my friends about B and me, but really mean, well I found myself meaning those words. As I gave M (friend, girl) and E (another friend, girl) my spiel, I found myself believing my words. I am not sure how I feel about it. Happy that my feelings concerning him are straightened out, or disappointed that there is no longer a possibility of us. I know that we had our chance almost two years ago, but he has been on my mind almost constantly for two years, and I had wondered and worried and pondered and even researched what my feelings were for him and his for me and what it made us to each other. This leads me to another question, does all this trouble mean I have genuine feelings for him-or am I an obsessed teenage girl? I don’t feel obsessed, if anything I typically try to push him from my mind. I stand by what I wrote earlier, but the questions about our history are still there and wanting for answers.

Going back to school

This past weekend I spent in a cabin, by the most beautiful lake I had ever seen. Now I go back to school tomorrow. When I left that lake, when I returned home, when I woke up this morning, I was unprepared for the heaviness I felt. In short, I don't want to go back to school. The time I spent in that little slice of paradise meant more to me in a way I could never have predicted I would feel. It was one of the most wonderful times of my life. I was so free of my usual worries and stresses. It was a different kind of freedom that I fully intend on experiencing many more times in the future.

I keep explaining to myself....

I am sure now that I am NOT in love with B. I was thinking about how I would explain our relationship to some friends of mine, whom I know will ask about us, and I know I would never tell them that I love him. I think I would say something like this, "I have always been attracted to B. It has just always been there, the attraction. However I have a tendency to take things too close to heart. A look from a cute boy can give me the idea that he migth be flirting with me, even if I know he probably is not. But with B, we are just very comfortable with eachother and have an unsaid understanding. When we dated we were sometimes very public with our affections and now, even though we do not do the things we did then (i.e. hold hands, sit extremely close together, kiss, etc.), I am still comfortable with him doing things like putting his hand on the smal of my back or rubbing my shoulder. And the reason that I can allow him to do this without getting the idea that his actions mean more is that, well, he makes similar actions with his mom and sister. It is just how B is. Not to mention, he is in love with someone, and it looks like he will be in deep for a long, long time." I hope I am a better liar than people say I am.

Words and No Words

Sometimes I wonder if we decrease the value of words. It seems of late people throw around words and phrases like "fuck" and "shit" and "I love you" and "I hate you". As a result the language loses its value as an element meant to convey serious and/or deep emotions due to over usage. Why does no one see this? Can we stop this? Because when I fall in love I want it to have meaning. And when I want to insult someone, it would be nice if that had meaning too.

the Title: what the hell it means

Acquaint: v. to allow oneself or another person to become familiar with something new. Adapt: v. to adjust oneself Align: v. to put onself on one side of an issue Got your attention, didn't it? Originally this was supposed to be a fashion blog, but that fell through. This will be my "Post whatever I motherfranking feel like posting" blog. Enjoy! Or not! By the way, yes, i am aware that the above definitions are not technically "dictionary accurate", but they are still true, viable interpretations of those words. Also, I don't care that I mispell words. Even if it is appparent that I care what any random person that might stumble upon this blog might think of my lack of purpose (clue in to all the exlplanations D:), my head will explode if you freaking bother to comment to tell me I misspelled something.

What's her game?

long story short: I dated this boy (We'll call him "B") for about two months and it did not work out. After some time appart, we became friends again. We grew closer together through texts (I know, that's juivenille and lame...but anyhoo) and deep conversations. In the beginning, they were often about other girls he thought he was in love with. Now that I think about it, I think I was the only girl he was not in love with. You see I was there for him when the girl he was in love with at the time wouldn't give him the time of day and I comforted him when he was crushed and badda bing badda boom! We began dating. Anyway, we had some wonderful conversations and often I found myself thinking, "Why didn't this happen when we were dating? We would never have broken up if we could talk like this!" Anyway he is in a band and they've been switching around with singers, all girls I think, and he fell in love with one in particular (She will be "K"). Again, long story-short (this isn't a Yahoo!Answers post/question/ramble/annoying thing nobody reads-oh! haha that's right, nobody reads this....ANYWAY, long story-short they had a little up and down kinda-nonexistent fling. However while his feelings for her grew stronger, she refeused to commit to a relationship to him, despite her supposed feelings for him as well. It turns out K was waiting for another boy. And when the other guy turned out to refuse commiting to HER, K still did not want to seriously date B. So now they are not talking, and she has the gall to complain! K is upset that B doesn;t want to talk to her! She insits that she cares and so she is hurt that he will not.... WOW this is EXACTLY like a Yahoo!Answers post/question/ramble/annoying thing nobody reads. In truth, there is so much depth to this story and so many details, I cannot do it justice in recolecton. It turns out that I have been stirred up and down by this boy. He drives me crazy, and I love it. His touch sets my insides on fire. And whenever he mentions K or remnants of his affections for her come to my attention I burn with envy. I have spend hours and days explaining my feeling to myself. "You only feel this way because he was your first boyfriend." "It is only because you cannot have him anymore." "You have raw feelings, you take ANY attention from a boy too far." "You are hormonal!" But how many boys stir butterflies in my stomach with just one touch or one look? How many boys make my day just by happening across my field of vision? How many boys make me strive to be a better me every single day? I have got it bad and I cannot stand it. How can I be his friend while suppressing my feelings? Even if there were an oppotunity for us to get back together, the thought of K and his love for her would always be on my mind. Also the fact that B has fallen fast and hard more than once before plants the seed of doubt that any feelings he could possibly have for me are genuine. I already said that I don't think he loved me when we dated, and I was his longest serious relationship. I think I am destined to torture myself over him until I graduate. Or until I meet someone that could possbly make me feel the way B makes me feel. I think I love him and I am totally screwed.

Where, oh where, have the little hats gone?

Remember the days when no matter how poor a man could be, he never went outdoors without a hat? Or the many ribbons and flowers and various accessories that adorned every lady's head for miles around? I don't know, perhaps you do, but it is unlikely since you would be in your 90s and have better things to do than frolic around on the internet. Anyhoo, what happened to those hats? (As in, what historically, econimically, or culturally happened that could cause hats to fall to the wayside as neccessary articles of clothing-such as shirts or shoes?) Does anyone miss them? If hats were still a common staple in the daily wardrobe of man, woman, and beast alike, what would they look like?

thoughts that might last

okay...psych. i am just going to blog about whatever i feel like blogging. i don't really care if anyone finds it interesting or not-i just want to give a lifespan to my thoughts.