I am feeling.
Sad
Mad
Ugly
Dull
Lazy
Gross
Bored
Plain
Wrong
Clumsy
Lonely
Doused
Defiant
Average
Avoided
Fragile
Ashamed
Unwanted
Enflamed
Cautious
Powerless
Cast-aside
Thoughtless
Unmotivated
Unconcerned
Without-cause
Self Conscious
But I want to feel
Substantial
Inquisitive
Thoughtful
Encouraging
Intelligent
Adventurous
Determined
Attractive
Motivated
Energetic
Agreeable
Graceful
Generous
Resonant
Content
Curious
Wanted
Needed
Strong
Happy
Brave
Witty
Solid
Able
I want to feel like I fit whoever it is I am meant to be.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
High-Low
Is this how it is supposed to be?
I had an amazing night last night. It can be described as a little bit less than a night on the town with friends. I might have made some new friends. I may have attracted some attention....
But I felt so real again. I hadn't felt the way I did in a while. Not since 9th grade, when everything was so new.
I am alone with my thoughts. I am alone with confusion and emptiness, and something akin to throbbing in my chest.
Is this because everything has become old hat? I am used to the life I lead now, but has that fallen away...is it not enough now?
I broke out of my shell and became a real human being when I started high school. though small, I felt like I was living for the first time. The simplest things gave me a thrill all for being so foreign and new.
For this, should I be wary?
My options right now are either continue in this pathetic hole of lone despair, or find that thrill again. Find something to restart the fire I know I have.
My only worry is if I will keep to my beliefs and spirit.
To get the kindling I need? How far will I go to get it.
Worse, what will I do when it is not enough?
I had an amazing night last night. It can be described as a little bit less than a night on the town with friends. I might have made some new friends. I may have attracted some attention....
But I felt so real again. I hadn't felt the way I did in a while. Not since 9th grade, when everything was so new.
I am alone with my thoughts. I am alone with confusion and emptiness, and something akin to throbbing in my chest.
Is this because everything has become old hat? I am used to the life I lead now, but has that fallen away...is it not enough now?
I broke out of my shell and became a real human being when I started high school. though small, I felt like I was living for the first time. The simplest things gave me a thrill all for being so foreign and new.
For this, should I be wary?
My options right now are either continue in this pathetic hole of lone despair, or find that thrill again. Find something to restart the fire I know I have.
My only worry is if I will keep to my beliefs and spirit.
To get the kindling I need? How far will I go to get it.
Worse, what will I do when it is not enough?
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Just so you know, if you care....actually it doesn't matter if you care because nobody reads this blog anyway so here goes.....
B and I are friends. Adn I can finally think of him as such. Gone are the confusing feelings, we are OK. I have no intentions of changing that, though I don't think that will be a problem. I also adressed K, a big factor in the problems that have risen between me and B. We are not quite the friends we used to be, but we have what looks like a healthy relationship. Not quite at arm's length, but neither one of us is embracing the other either.
Where is the middle ground?
I watched the psychological thriller "Se7en" several weeks ago. It is about a serial killer whose murdures correspond with the seven deadly sins.
It is the most disturbing thing I have ever seen. And I do not think it is just or right in any way to kill someone sadistically and mercilessly because they emulate a deadly sin.
One of the last lines really stuck with me though. One from the killer. He said we tolerate these things. He talked about how we accept the sins. A man so fat (gluttony), that if you saw him eating in a restaurant, you would lose your appetite. Or a man that has committed his life to making money by lying (lawyer-greed). Or a prostitute, which he called a "disease-spreading whore".
So my point is, he is right, that we should not tolerate these things simply because we know the world is an imperfect place, but killing is not the answer.
How can these extremes, in terms of killing and emulating the sins, be avoided? How can people be changed for the better?
It would be so easy to say, "You can't". It would make perfect sense to give in and say that it is too difficult-if at all possible-to change people. But that is what that sadistic man was talking about.
I wish there was a way to start over. To prevent prostitution from ever existing. To prevent revenge from occurring. To prevent laziness from being possible.
But people cannot, and should not be controlled. No matter what, it is never okay to take away someone's free will-a God given gift itself.
So this begs the question: Is there a middle ground?
If so, where is it?
It is the most disturbing thing I have ever seen. And I do not think it is just or right in any way to kill someone sadistically and mercilessly because they emulate a deadly sin.
One of the last lines really stuck with me though. One from the killer. He said we tolerate these things. He talked about how we accept the sins. A man so fat (gluttony), that if you saw him eating in a restaurant, you would lose your appetite. Or a man that has committed his life to making money by lying (lawyer-greed). Or a prostitute, which he called a "disease-spreading whore".
So my point is, he is right, that we should not tolerate these things simply because we know the world is an imperfect place, but killing is not the answer.
How can these extremes, in terms of killing and emulating the sins, be avoided? How can people be changed for the better?
It would be so easy to say, "You can't". It would make perfect sense to give in and say that it is too difficult-if at all possible-to change people. But that is what that sadistic man was talking about.
I wish there was a way to start over. To prevent prostitution from ever existing. To prevent revenge from occurring. To prevent laziness from being possible.
But people cannot, and should not be controlled. No matter what, it is never okay to take away someone's free will-a God given gift itself.
So this begs the question: Is there a middle ground?
If so, where is it?
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Damn, I never realized
That I basically reposted thething about those who smile..etc., etc.
It just keeps coming up and, well, I honestly think it would be really interesting to see how my perspective has changed.
Alrighty, tatta for now.
It just keeps coming up and, well, I honestly think it would be really interesting to see how my perspective has changed.
Alrighty, tatta for now.
Always believe them when they say...
...that the ones smiling the most are hurting the most.
Now here I will kindly ask you not get cute and say things such as, "but what about when people get married or have a child or actually ARE happy, hm???"
Yes, you oh-so-clever person (if you get what I originally meant then I am sorry, this is not intended for you), sometimes people are happy and smile whilst being happy, yes. But I mean the people that always smile. In the puny amount of time I have spent on this planet, I have met several people that have proven this.
They are the happiest and friendliest people, yet i become close and eventually become familiar with the sadness and pain they have encountered in theur pasts.
It leads me to wonder....
Sometimes the best treatment for pain is faking it until you make it.
Does that not make sense? To hide your pain, you at first pretend to be happy. But it can be an exhausting task and for the people that are determined to hide their pain, it becomes crucial to find reasons to fake their happiness. And well, the rest is history I think. Eventually, looking for reasons to feign happiness can lead to actually being happy.
Anyway, I believe the strongest try to hide their pain. The strong think about others, not wishing to burden them, but also try to help themselves.
This would be both good and bad.
Good: You do not burden others and by helping yourself, you become stronger-mentally, physically, emotionally-for yourself and those who matter to you.
Bad: Not everyone can do it alone. We are social creatures, are we not? We thrive on the shared support and guidance that can only be found among friends, family, commrades, companions, etc.
I think I should stop here before I get off track or forget what I am trying to say. Just....
Do not assume you know them until you know them.
*quick note here-this is my theory/attempt to explain as to why the ones smiline the most could b the ones hurting the most*
Now here I will kindly ask you not get cute and say things such as, "but what about when people get married or have a child or actually ARE happy, hm???"
Yes, you oh-so-clever person (if you get what I originally meant then I am sorry, this is not intended for you), sometimes people are happy and smile whilst being happy, yes. But I mean the people that always smile. In the puny amount of time I have spent on this planet, I have met several people that have proven this.
They are the happiest and friendliest people, yet i become close and eventually become familiar with the sadness and pain they have encountered in theur pasts.
It leads me to wonder....
Sometimes the best treatment for pain is faking it until you make it.
Does that not make sense? To hide your pain, you at first pretend to be happy. But it can be an exhausting task and for the people that are determined to hide their pain, it becomes crucial to find reasons to fake their happiness. And well, the rest is history I think. Eventually, looking for reasons to feign happiness can lead to actually being happy.
Anyway, I believe the strongest try to hide their pain. The strong think about others, not wishing to burden them, but also try to help themselves.
This would be both good and bad.
Good: You do not burden others and by helping yourself, you become stronger-mentally, physically, emotionally-for yourself and those who matter to you.
Bad: Not everyone can do it alone. We are social creatures, are we not? We thrive on the shared support and guidance that can only be found among friends, family, commrades, companions, etc.
I think I should stop here before I get off track or forget what I am trying to say. Just....
Do not assume you know them until you know them.
*quick note here-this is my theory/attempt to explain as to why the ones smiline the most could b the ones hurting the most*
Monday, October 8, 2012
REVOLUTION on NBC
Can I just say that it annoys the heck out of me how pristine the people from Revolution are?
I mean, they have been what, 15 years witout power? Yet they have enough soap and makeup and hair product to look absolutely perfect at every given moment. I mean they run around in the forest or something, sweating, shoot guns, there should be gun powder everywhere sometimes, I mean COME ON JJ Abrams!!!
You wanted authenticity when you did Star Trek-and you got it-but where is it now? How in the world does making the hot girl have perfect golden locks of angel tears make your show any better, Hm? It doesn't. It makes it look like a properly-lit soap opera.
Don't even get me started on the clothes. Where is this magical factory where the surviors get their perfectly stitched leather jackets? And the meshy shirt she wears? How does that make sense even, I mean, how does she not get caught in all the ruins and brammbles she tramples by? Oh right, there are none! Honestly most of the set just looks really hairy at times. Well one thing is for sure, the power will probably come back on soon because the longer the show goes, the more the characters are supposed to endure, and the less their cleanliness will make sense.
Alright, tatta for now.
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