Empty

Sometimes I hate my brother. I know that the way he acts is not really him-it is his medication which causes him to have extreme mood swings. He is typically a very sweet kid. But it is just so hard to look past that. He may say something, and I try to ignore him, but he just. won't . leave. me. alone! He keeps provoking me, pushing just to see how easy it is to break me. How the hell can someone so nice be so awful?! I don't fucking care if it is his medication-it seems more like he is using that as an excuse!!! Just because he won't be reprimanded right away or because our parents aren't around or because he just fucking can! He won’t leave me alone! And I am so torn.... I really have no strength to resist him anymore. I simply walk away when I realize that there is no use trying. But it is a dejected walk; a walk of surrender. I feel like a coward and a failure; I feel like a dog with its head down, like I have been reemed and whipped and scolded. I have no fight left and it is the worst feeling in the world. I do not quit, I know when I am beaten. I am not a coward, I know when I am out of my depth. But I don’t know my depth and I didn’t realize I was losing until I lost. There is nothing that justifies the way I feel. What justifies doing this to me? What justifies doing this to my brother? To my family? To ANYONE?! This is fucked up and….See? No fight left. I cannot sustain my anger anymore. I feel so broken.